"Dear Admiral G,
My wife left me, my dog died, I crashed my pickup truck, and I got laid off at the
tortilla factory. But that's not important-what really concerns me is this new
Yamato that Tamiya is foisting off on us. New! Improved! More
better accurate! Should I throw away my old Yamato? Personally, its been my
best friend over the years, something I could count on and fondle when the chips were
down. Ah, gee Admiral, what's a guy gonna do?? Give me the straight bilge on this,
will ya?"
If you only knew how many letters I get like this one you'd shake your head in
disbelief. Well, start shaking. I don't have to tell you that your Yamato is your
best friend. If you got one already, you know what I mean. It's big, friendly, and accepts
you for who you are. It doesn't matter which one you got, big or small, plastic or
resin or even wood. You could even jab a couple a swizzle sticks in a ripe avocado, throw
it in the bathtub,and yell
"Kamikaze!!!". I don't care.
 What I want to know is
where did the Tamiya boys get their info on designing this new Paula Jones version of the
Big Y? Ya, give it a major nose job, fluff its hair a bit, throw some designer
threads on it, and hold out for a million bucks. There's your new Yamato in a nutshell. Oh
ya, its prettier than the old one, sexy retooled details will turn you on. And that
bow is real narrow, brother, in fact, the Admiral will go out on a limb with a saw and say
its TOO NARROW. It looks like they traded its old Charles Atlas neck for a new Cindy
Crawford version. Hey, Sumo wrestler or Victoria's Secret come on? You make the
call.
The old Yamato is like the Arnold Schwartzenegger character in PREDATOR-ripped fatigues,
combat boots, and covered in plant detritus. The new Yamato is this same character after
the Ralph Lauren finishing school, complete with Yale sweater, white Dockers, and Polo
cologne. In short, a wimp.
This just in:
Dear Admiral G,
I'm convinced that there is a conspiracy concerning those devious Yamato revisionists, the
neoSkulskiites. Not content to leave well enough alone, they have decided for themselves
that the IJN didn't get the Yamato quite right, and have drawn up detail revisions to suit
their needs, and actually, their ultimate goal is to convince the world that the Yamato
almost had the war won for Japan before the Nukes were dropped. My sources tell me
that the neoSkulskiites planted themselves at soba noodle/internet cafes in the immediate
vicinity of the Tamiya factory, then started offhand conversations with lunchtime
employees concerning the "inaccuracies" of the old Yamato. In due time, they had
convinced everyone at Tamiya that the modeling masses were desperate for a new, "more
accurate" Yamato and Tamiya eagerly used the neoSkulskiites' home brewed
"references" to craft the new version. Evidently, the neoSkulskiites succeeded
and are now onto phase two of their plan. No one will believe me, but I know the
truth is out there.Sincerely,
F. Mulder
Well, there it is, but you can ignore it for now. Take it from the Admiral, get
yourself one of these Yamatos and age it in the model cellar. Let the plastic outgas
for a few years while the instructions yellow. Visit your Yamato when the chips are
down. It will listen to your problems and never make you run errands on
Saturday. What more could you expect from a model?
Admiral G |
